Appa!

I've wanted to write more in my free time(!) but never thought it'd be a memorial note about my Appa (father). Yes, I lost him a few days ago. Because of the travel restrictions imposed due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, I did not get a chance to see him one last time. You may wonder about smartphones and FaceTime, but I chose not to. Maybe it's for good. My last memory of him is us chatting on a video call the day before he passed away. My old man was healthy but surprised everyone. Losing a parent is hard, but not being able to be with the other parent to console them during this time is more excruciating.

He was everything that I'm and he was everything that I'm not too. I don't have a lot of patience, he had a ton. I'm a de facto atheist, but he was 200% religious, including my share. He was proficient in English, I wasn't. Being the second language, my English was pathetic for a middle school guy. He sat me down one day and told me I'd lose a lot of opportunities in my life, not because of my knowledge but because of a language. I'm not saying it changed my entire life, but that was the seedling. He taught me how to be good with money because we had none for a long time. That did not stop him from getting me what I need. I could go on forever, but I don't want this post to be a cliche.

When I got a call that this person - this pillar - is no more, I was outright clueless. I've never felt helpless like that before. I took it to social media as I had no other place to vent (extremely grateful for the internet right now). It wasn't a call for attention. It was a silent cry for help and comfort. I'm usually a text person. If my phone rang, I'd freak out for no reason. But, I have talked to a lot of people recently, and grateful for everyone's compassion. A lot of them comforted me with food, cookies, and flowers.

I haven't talked to many of them in years. Not because I don't love them or care about them, I just suck at expressing my feelings or asking for help. I'm paranoid that people would use it as leverage. Because of the unbalanced give and take in my life, my usual instinct is "I'll figure it out myself". If I had learned one thing in the past couple of days, it is that everybody needs help at some point in time. I just hope that I'd be able to reciprocate the comforts to someone in need if that ever happens. Adios!